In a recent interview with Noreen Mir on RTHK Radio Three, clinical psychologist Dr. Quratulain Zaidi shared valuable insights into maintaining healthy long-term relationships. Her expertise reveals that successful relationships are built on several fundamental elements: commitment, honesty, mutual respect, care, and transparency.
Dr. Zaidi emphasises that transparency goes beyond mere honesty. She illustrates this with a simple example: while honesty might mean answering questions truthfully when asked, transparency involves proactively sharing information. For instance, instead of waiting to be asked about evening plans, a transparent partner would voluntarily provide details about their schedule and arrangements.
One of the most striking insights from the interview concerns communication. Dr. Zaidi defines it in a remarkably straightforward way: “Communication is what the other person heard.” She explains that if your message isn’t being understood as intended, it’s crucial to adapt your approach until your partner comprehends your meaning.
A common misconception about relationships, according to Dr. Zaidi, is that reaching certain milestones—such as marriage or having children—will automatically resolve existing issues. She emphasises that relationships require consistent effort and investment, regardless of the stage. This is particularly relevant in places like Hong Kong, where busy lifestyles and frequent travel can lead couples to live increasingly separate lives.
Perhaps most intriguingly, Dr. Zaidi reveals that research shows 70% of couples’ issues are “perpetual” and won’t be resolved over time. These typically stem from fundamental differences in values, upbringing, and identity. The key isn’t to solve these problems but to manage them effectively. She advocates for understanding each other’s perspectives rather than insisting on agreement.
The psychologist also addresses the importance of maintaining individual identities within a relationship. Modern partnerships often place immense pressure on individuals to fulfil multiple roles—best friend, mentor, lover, co-parent, and source of security. Having separate interests and hobbies helps maintain a healthy balance and reduces this pressure.
For couples looking to strengthen their relationships, Dr. Zaidi recommends focusing on how complaints are communicated. Instead of blame, she suggests expressing needs as requests for connection. Additionally, she emphasises the value of “doing small things often” to maintain what she calls an “emotional bank account” in the relationship, ensuring there’s enough goodwill to weather challenging times.
This approach to relationship maintenance acknowledges that conflicts are natural and can even be positive when handled constructively. The goal isn’t to avoid disagreements entirely but to manage them in ways that foster understanding and maintain respect between partners.
Dr. Zaidi is available to book for online therapy in Honk Kong and the United Kingdom. Click here to book your space.
