Andrea often felt anxious about asking for help, even when she was completely overwhelmed. She often kept her feelings to herself so that she would not burden anyone else. At times she felt as if the walls were closing in on her. She struggled to find the emotional energy to maintain her relationships and her self-care routine. As a child, she was often told that children are to be seen and not heard. Her parents told her to “toughen up” when she would express sadness, confusion, or any other negative emotion. She apologized often for things that were not her fault. She often felt like hiding or flying under the radar. It didn’t feel safe to be seen.
Andrea is not alone; many people carry the quiet belief: “I am a burden.” Feeling like a burden goes far beyond being considerate of others.
People who carry this belief often:
- Apologize excessively.
- Struggle to ask for help.
- Hide emotional pain
- Believe their needs are “too much.”
- Feel guilty when others support them.
- Minimize their own accomplishments.
- Believe they must earn love by taking care of everyone else.
- Fear abandonment if they express difficult emotions.
- Feel lonely even in the company of others.
Ironically, the more you hide your needs, the lonelier you may become. At some point, you may have learned that being vulnerable or allowing others to truly see you was not safe. To protect yourself, you may have built an emotional wall. While that wall can protect you from being hurt, it can also keep others at a distance, leaving you feeling unseen, unheard, and disconnected.
At one point, these behaviors may have helped you feel safe or protected. As an adult, however, the same survival patterns can create emotional and physical stress and make it harder to feel connected to others. Healing involves developing new ways of coping that allow you to feel both safe and connected.
Healing Attachment Trauma
Attachment wounds can heal. Taking small steps towards finding others who safely allow your emotions and vulnerability can lead to secure attachment and healthy relationships.
Healthy relationships allow room for:
- Vulnerability
- Imperfection
- Emotional expression
- Receiving help
- Mutual support
As your nervous and attachment system heals, you learn new beliefs such as:
“My needs matter.”
“I am worthy of love.”
“I can trust myself and others.”
How Therapy Can Help
Attachment-focused therapy, along with EMDR, helps you understand where these beliefs began and how they continue to influence your self-worth, mental and physical health, and your relationships.
Dr. Monica Borschel offers EMDR and therapy online through the MindnLife Clinic in Hong Kong.
